A New School Year

    I have offically finished my first week as a sophmore in college, and I could not be more hopeful for this year. I have had at least on class of all the courses I am taking and they all seem great. My World Civilization class will seemingly blend both the complex and the interesting in a way that I will have to work hard to learn but will be so rewarding in the end that I will see no hardship in the labor. My art classes all seem interesting, challenging, yet perfect. Ceramics is comforting because I have some experiance in  clay but I am excited to learn new techniques build my creative vocabulary. Printmaking is both exciting and intimidating. I have done printmaking before so that is a comfort. But I have never worked with presses (or acid, for that matter). My teacher is also a source of trepidition. She is nice but seems very demanding which, while it is a little scary, is something that I think I really need. I need to be challenged and pushed. I want to create exceptional work this year, a build up a stunning portfolio so that I could hopefully get a sweet scholarship to grad school.
     My photo and video class is shaping up to be my favorite art class this semester. No matter what else I convince myself that I love, photography always creeps back into my heart. I guess I am worried because photography often feels like the "cool" thing to do and so many people do it. Not that I am trying to be singular or unique I just feel like many jobs for photographers are vied for and photography for many people is being played out. With all that aside I really do love the class. The teacher reminds me of one of my favorite teachers in highschool so that alone brings a comfort level and sense of familiarity to the class that makes me happy. I am excited of the prospect of making videos as well. I always thought videography was so interesting and I am excited to have the opportunity to try my hand at it. One of my secret big goals is to have a short movie submitted and accepted into some kind of film festival. the Black Maria Film Festival last year inspired me so much and I would love to be able to create work worthy of such an honor.
   My final class will probably be my absolute favorite of the semester. When I first signed up for Music Appreciation I wasn't expecting much. My teacher shattered any small ideas of what I thought Iwould be doing. He is funny, interesting, and makes you participate. The two classes I have had of this class of flown by and I can only hope that every music class goes as smoothly. I am so excited to learn more about classical music and be able to intelligently discuss it.
  So over all I am super optimistic about this school year. I am really going to make a hard effort to do well and work hard and make awesomely amazing work. I also hope to update the blog more than I did last year :)
Cheers!
Laura

Geeking Out

So today I was checking my Verizon email account. Now, this in itself is spectacular because it is one of those email accounts I use exclusively for spam so it is often un-roamed territory. But anyway.. I was on there and I had an emai from twitter. Yeah, I have a twitter acount. Because I think I'm famous. but that isn't the point. The email informed me that I had a new follower (bumping me follower count up from one to two.. a whole 100% increase in popularity!) But that isn't the exciting part.. the exciting part is is that I am now being followed by one of my absolute favorite bloggers Busy Bee Lauren when I saw that it was her I totally geeked out.. so happy. So yeah, that is all I have to say. Sadly, I have not posted anything on here in forever and a day.. my creativity has seemingly dryed up in this hot summer heat.. hopefully school starting back up again next week will be the kick in the butt I need to start creating, and writing, again.
Peace and Love,
Laura

Moving Out

So I know for sure two people in my little blog circle already know that my parents are seperating. For the other maybe, 5 people who didn't know, you know now. My mom decided two months ago that she couldn't live the way she had been living for 23 years any more. So she asked my dad to leave. It has taken 2 months for this to actually happen. Today is the day when he officially no longer lives in my house.

I started this post thinking that I would have some elegant, long winded narrative about my life, my family, and my relationship with my dad. I honestly don't quite know what to say. I feel nothing when I think about what is happening. No emotion, no sadness, no relief. So I can't really write a post full of empty emotion. I felt I should put this out there today, because today is a big day in my life. I'm sure the emotion of this all will hit later (probably at a really horrible and inconveniant time) and then I will write a proper, overlly emotional post. But for now it is just this.

Love,
Laura

Impatience

I have always considered myself a patient person. Letting cars pull out a head of me even when I know, with the deepest convictions, that I have the right of way. Letting people promise that they are going to help me do something that I need help with right.away. and then sitting there watching as they never bother to follow through. Watching as everyone around me is finding love and I am the one patted on the head like a dog and soothed with the empty consolation "you will find someone someday".  I try to always give the benefit of a doubt- to the point of being gracious, not a doormat.

But this last week has been a testament to how impatient I really am. I have been waiting, waiting for what? all of 6 days? to hear back from my school to see if I got into the Fine Arts program.  A program that will put me on track to grad school then hopefully, a career in teaching art at a college level. A program that is prestigious and challenging and completely rewarding. A program that is my dream. I have never wanted an email so badly in my life. The anticipation is coiling tighter and tighter with each passing minute almost to the point of suffocating me. This, this is my future. This is what decides what the heck I am going to be doing with my life, well, at least for the next 3 years. This decision is so important to me now,  that I can feel it, almost as if with the passing time it has gained substance, a shadowy ghost at my shoulder.

I know this is all seeming extremely melodramitic, and maybe it is, but it is what is feeling right at the moment. At this moment I feel completely justified in ranting and raving and feeling completely insane. I'm an artist, isn't that to be expected? and patience be damned.. I want that email and I want it now!

Auden

The More Loving One
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I could go to hell
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread of man or beast

How should we like it if stars were to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn
I cannot, now I see them, say
That I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime
Though this might take me a little time.

Ok so, I loveee me some Auden. He is probably my favorite poet/writer across the board. I always say if my soul was a sound, it would be Kings of Leon. But if my soul were words, they would be Auden's. I respond really well to poetry for some reason. It is inspiring and comforting. Auden's work feels like home. Here are some excerpts from some of his other poems that I absolutely adore:

-He was my North my South my East and West
My working week and my sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
I thought love would last forever; I was wrong-

-I'll love you dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the ocean
And salmon sing in the street.

I'll love you until the ocean
Is folded up and hung to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky-

-"O what was that bird, said the horror to the hearer,
Did you see that shape in the twisted trees?
Behind you swiftly the figure comes softly,
That spot on your skin a shocking disease?"-

Isn't he amazing? Auden inspiration all day every day. What inspires you? Good luck to anyone who reads this that applied to get into the BFA at UD.. hope you got in!

Creating

I have had a lot of projects that I have finished recently. I don't have time now to put them up, because I have an art class to go to, but hopefully tonight all of my followers' blog boxes will be flooded with grade-A Love, Laura blog gems :) Cheers!

Scared

Self portraits. I never knew such a "simple" concept could be so loathsome. I have learned in the last week that I am incapable of drawing a representational picture of my self. But it gets better. Once I draw a representational picture, I have to draw a abstract one. and according to my teacher, I had to draw something I am afraid to draw. When I set to work on the second picture with that in mind I ended up with this:

that is what scares me. to draw something that is weird and that might fail me. It doesn't look like me, but maybe it does. It isn't finished, but I was losing momentum. It honestly, terrifies me. I guess that is the point. It is the first peice of work I am scared to turn it in for a critique. I'm terrified. I'm not used to making myself this vulnerable.. but maybe I need to do it more often? I suppose I will find out soon enough.

It Is Too Early In the Semester For This...

... I am already frustrated. And I have had one class. Math. And I am frustrated about Art. More specifically, Drawing. One 15 minute lecture from Brin, and my mind is in knots. The project is simple enough- draw a still life of things that compliment, have the same function, or complete eachother. Awesome.. so like what? peanut butter and jelly? Nuts and bolts? pepper and salt? All seem so lame. Wherein lies my problem. Last semester I was happily living, not in the friend zone, but in the middle of the pack. Like, I was that fish that swims in the middle so that when the sharks circle, they are the least likely to be eaten alive. While that is safe- it is also super lamespice and comfortable. This semester I really want to break out and actually do great stuff not hokey cheesy stuff like drawing a still life of nails and a hammer because like, duh?! they complete eachother <3. No. No. NO. But I honestly am stuck. All I can think about are the lame, stupid, obnoxious matchy matchy complimentary objects that end up being the victims of gooey relationship metaphors (you are the star to my burst, the peanut butter to my jelly, ect.) It is like, I can see the wall in my head. It is almost tangiable, the artists block that is developing. Which sucks, seeing as I haven't even had an art class yet. I want to do something deeper, create something that is legitimately great work.. not something that is passed over and shoved in the middle, the place where the mediocre go to die. I don't know what to do. I hate it.

Random Desire

I am experiencing this odd desire to go to an abandoned carnival or boardwalk and take pictures of all the lonely attractions. Like the Ferris wheel, the carousel, and the like. It  would probably turn out even cooler now with all the snow.. hmm

Glitter*

"So, let me get this straight. He glitters?"
"Yes," a frustrated sigh, "It is the diamonds."
"The diamonds?" Incredulous. I'm losing her fast.
"Yes. The diamonds that are imbedded in his skin."
"So the sun make him glitter. Because of diamonds?"
"Yes." Finally. She understands.
"So is he gay?"
I spoke too soon.
"No. He has a girlfriend. She is his heroin."
"But you just said he sparkles. And he obviously shaves his chest hair. And from the looks of it he highlights his hair."
"So?"
"He is a flamer."
I stare at her. Calculate. Consider.
"Maybe you are right."

 *for Tina

Past the Point of No Return

"This is the choice. This is the point of no return."
The time will come, maybe soon. The time when I have to choose. Choose whom I love.
There will be no turning back. No unfaithful doubt. It just might not be you.
"I fought so hard to free you."
I wanted so badly to be in your life. To be your life. To give you life. To free you.
"Pity comes too late. Turn around and face your fate."
But once I leave, there will be no looking back. Then what good will your longing do?
Face your fate.

Sent Home Early. Again.

Clear, sharp, hesitant.

“Laura?”

Crap.

“Yeah?”

“We aren’t that busy. You can just go ahead and-“

‘-Sign out.’

I finish the sentence with her in my head.

I shuffle around digging my heels in the linoleum dragging out my exit a few more minutes so maybe, maybe I can at least have one hour of work on the records.

Get my coat. Take off the ugly bandana. Twirl the pen as I take my time signing out. 
Shuffle. Shuffle. Closer to the exit.
"I feel bad sending you home" she calls
'yeah' I think 'of course you do.'
maybe next week.

I'm a Snake In the Grass

 So, I read this blog, Mr. London Street. He does this neat thing where he has a prompt and proceeds to write a response to that prompt, but in only 100 words. I like that idea because I believe it forces a person to find the most important information about something and edit out all the unnecessary stuff. So, I think I am going to try it. I like writing, but sometimes my thoughts end up being overdrawn and convoluted. So thanks, Mr. London Street for giving me this idea. I guess it really isn't stealing if I give you the credit. :)

P.S.- If anyone has any prompt ideas let me know :)

This is going to sound like the end of a movie.

Dear You,

You have the great pleasure of being my best friend. ever. Like, in life, in general, in all honesty. You are awesome. Super smart, super sweet. And I know right now you are going through a tough time. Like, your whole life, you have been told what to do- by teachers, friends, and especially your parents. And I know that your family is important to you. But you are at the point in your life where, let's face it, you are old enough to be important to yourself. You are a big girl now and no matter what you decide to do, you should be able to do it. Engineering, while it is a successful and growing feild, doesn't make you happy. I of all people should know. I have seen first hand how thoroughly unhappy it has been making you. I mean, not to the point that it soured our relationship, but you just don't like it. And you should see your face when I talk about art. It lights up. You love my friends, and I know that you are genuinly interested in the way that things in the art program. I think you can tell that I really am happy there. I know that you don't want to do art, but I think it makes you happy because you are secretly picturing what your life would be like if you were that happy in your major. That, I think was the main difference between us last semester. Engineering was tough for you, and you dreaded it. While art was hard and stressful, I still loved what I was doing, so I knew I could do it and I would be ok. You should be doing something that, no matter how hard or stressful it is, you still love it.

That is why I am saying- do it. Screw engineering. Screw what your parents think (because last time I checked they weren't Jean Grey so they can't possibly know better what makes you happy than you). Screw what your engineering friends will say and think. Because honestly? If you don't love what you are doing, in the future you will be so astoundingly unhappy and I wouldn't even wish that on Taylor. I mean, yes engineering pays a lot. a lot. like, a lot. (focus). But when you get out of college and start a career and are living your life and whatevs, the money, I think (hope) really won't be what is most important. To me, the supreme goal in life is to be able to lie in bed at night and smile knowing that when you wake up, you are looking forward to a future of something you enjoy as oppposed to dragging yourself to bed, exhausted, spread too thin, and depressed because you have been caged by a career that you hate. And I know you. And I know that you aren't ruled by money. Sadly, some of your friends are. All they see are the dollar signs. And I mean, whatever floats your boat. But just. do it. You would be awesome as an English major. Like, you are so smart and intellectual (repetition.. sorry). You have been writing stories for years (and not to be self servicing) they are delightful. And funny. And you have a very discerning eye. You have always seen the important things I haven't like the traits in guys that translate into the guy being a douchebag through and through. What I am trying to say is, You would sparkle and thrive as an English major.

And the best part is, I think you would love it. I mean, look at Levi. He had to guts to do something unexpected. To do a major that many people scoff at *cough* Ben *cough*. And you know what? I think Levi will be the happier of the two. Because he knows what he loves and that is what he is living. And you should too. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to finally do something for yourself. You have constantly been my backbone, my right hand, my voice of reason. I selfishly burden you with all my woes and complaints, and you always know what to say to make me think and recenter my efforts and emotions. You are always taking care of others whether it be me or your brothers. You should finally do something just for you. I am giving you permission to be selfish.

I know you are worried about your parents. And I can't properly see where you are coming from. I was blessed enough to have parents that didn't freak the ish out when I decided to be an art major. They could have easily said absolutly not and banished me to the hell of an economics major or something. I know your parents will probably be less than thrilled at the major change, but I say- forget them. Teaching or publishing are very worthwhile professions that any person should be proud of. Your parents have no idea what they got when they got you. You are so amazing and smart and whatever you end up doing in life, I know that deep down you will make them proud.

But, really, you have to do this. If it is bothering you this much, and creating this much of riff in your soul- it is legit. It is something that needs to be addressed and something that, I think, really is a turning point in your life. I mean right now you are at a crossroads. To one side is the big cushy road to the top of an engineering company. A lot of people are taking that road, the road of suck ass jobs that make a lot of money. To the other side, is the small less traveled road (see fate, You love you some Robert Frost). A road that not many take, the road that leads to what they love. Come along my love, join Levi and me on that road. Just speaking for myself, we don't nearly have the courage you do and we are on that road and doing just fine. I know you, and I know that you can do whatever you set your heart on whether it be English or telling your parents what is what. so will you join my on this beautiful road lined with hope and the promise of an exciting and fulfilling future? We have candy.

Love, Laura

P.S.- I really just want you to be happy, and I hope this helped.
P.P.S.- I hated circuits in Physics too.
P.P.P.S.- If we both became teachers, we could teach together. (:o)

Dear Jane*

Dear Jane,
I care about you. I know that sometimes I can be naggy and obnoxious, but it is because I care. Because I know exactly what you have been doing and exactly what kind of person you are becoming- you are not fooling anyone, least of all me. We have been friends for years, but recently our friendship, I feel, has been reduced to a shaky, brittle skeleton of what it used to be. Now, I am not writing this to be poetic and nonsensical, but because I think someone needs to say what they really think about what you are doing.
You are really screwing yourself up right now. I don't know if you think it is super cool or fun to sleep around or that your life will be as glamourous as a soap opera if you only sleep with guys that are in what their girlfriends believe are commited relationships. People say once a cheater always a cheater. But maybe their should be a saying for the person the cheater cheats with. like, once a sexual doormat, always a sexual doormat? Because that is what you are becoming. It is like, to you, it is only worth it if he is taken. Maybe you think this means he just cares so much about you, that nothing can stand in the way of your "love" not even his girlfriend. But what I think it means is that he doesn't see any reason to bother with the diginity and exclusivity that comes with an out and commited relationship. What would be the point of it? If he can just as easily get some for nothing, why bother with hassle that to some, is a one on one romantic relationship. Oh, wait.. wrong word. Romantic. There is nothing romantic about what you have been doing. You have bitten my head off before on that point. Told me that what you do with guys has no basis or attachment in love. You don't get emotionanlly attached, you aren't doing it to be loved. So what word should I use?
Maybe I should try empty? pathetic? desperate? scarring? Because that is what I think all of your relationships with guys are right now. John* may say that he loves you, but he broke up with you. a year ago. Now I know you had a history together, a history that should have clued us all in to what is now the future. You started dating after you and he had been screwing around while, you guessed it, he had a girlfriend. And he broke up with you. and you know what? sure he may have "missed" you. But that didn't stop him from having sex with 7 other girls while you were apart. Well that being said it didn't stop him from having sex with you while you were apart. And now you are still apart, but he has a new girlfriend. That isn't you. And he told you he chose her. And yet, you still are with him. What I am trying to say is, forget him.
You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who isn't going to screw around. Because face it- if he is having sex with you while he has a girlfriend, what is going to stop him from having sex with someone else if you were his girlfriend. nothing. And I know for a fact that the wrath of hell could not match the vindictive bitch fit that would erupt if you two were dating and you found out he was cheating on you. But, as mean as it is to say, maybe that is what you need. To reap what you sow. Because when you sow insecure disrespect you can't expect to reap healthy relationships. That isn't how life works.
I just wish you could see yourself as I see you. Worth so much more than all this. You don't need him. You don't need his double standards or the leash that he is leading you along on. You need a wakeup call, a real heart to heart. I just wish I had the courage to give it to you. I am sorry.

Love, Laura
* Names have been changed to protect the identity of people being addressed in this letter.

Goodbye, boy.

So, this blog has been massively underappreciated and neglected since school let out. Which is a great sadness because I really enjoyed blogging on here, even though it was homework. So I have decided to continue, but have decided to make this not just about school, but more about life in general. So with that in mind, enjoy this not art but still Laura related post that will be in the form of a letter, a letter to a boy that I need say goodbye to.

Dear boy,

I have liked you for a long, long time. For probably as long as I can remember liking boys and not thinking that they were cootie littered animals, I have liked you. I thought you were endearing and nice, even though half the time you treated me less than perfect and 100 percent of the time treated my friends like they had the neumonic plague. I ignored that for a long time, just assuming that if we ever got together, things would just work themselves out. They didn't. My friends gave up the nagging, and just resorted to sympathetic murmerings every time you did something to upset me and I complained. The worst part was, I kept going back to you. Like the ocean on the shore, I would draw away from you just to rush back into you again, over and over and over agian. I would see myself changing, niggling and nudging myself into the person that you wanted to be, even if it were just for a moment, and I hate that. I hate how you would make yourself seem so gentle, spewing out toxin that you presented as poetry and making me believe that if I just did this or that, you would give me a chance. Give me a chance to be with you. With you. As if that was the place every girl was dying to be, in your arms, in your heart. It isn't. No girl could possibly fit in your heart. It is too stuffed to the brim with yourself. You made me feel like trash, do you realize that? Built me up so high just to tear me down with one petty comment that, in your mind, sounded like pickup line, so depreciating it was supposed to get me excited. Despite what you may think, many girls don't think it is sexy when you completely crap all over their self esteem.
You have no idea what did to me. All the years that I chained my heart to you, when I could have easily just cut my losses and found someone who appreciated me for who I was, not for who they thought I could be. I think you knew what you were doing. For an idiot you are pretty smart. You would be just nice enough to me that I would just shake my head and banish the second thoughts to dark recesses of my mind, and then wham! kick the hope right out from under me.
That is why it is time for me to say goodbye. I'm saying goodbye to your baggage and your bullcrap. To your backstabbing and your ego. I'm saying goodbye to the feelings you made me feel, and the things that you made me do. I am saying goodbye to the part of me that you liked- the ugly, fake, and desperate part of me that believed I needed your misguided approval to be happy. We have had a long run, 7 long years of tears, false hopes, false starts, and little jaded pieces of happiness that have long since lost their luster. Despite what you may think, you didn't worm your way into my true heart; I never loved you. I pity the poor soul who you end up with, the girl who falls for your voodoo, your thinly veiled disrespect, and your pathetic understanding of love. I am finally saying goodbye, and giving myself permission to move on. In the end, I guess I should thank you, for showing me the worst of me and how my true self still won and is emerging into maturity. You taught me that what anyone else thinks of me is completely irrelevant, it is what I see beautiful in myself that matters. Goodbye.

Laura