Sent Home Early. Again.

Clear, sharp, hesitant.

“Laura?”

Crap.

“Yeah?”

“We aren’t that busy. You can just go ahead and-“

‘-Sign out.’

I finish the sentence with her in my head.

I shuffle around digging my heels in the linoleum dragging out my exit a few more minutes so maybe, maybe I can at least have one hour of work on the records.

Get my coat. Take off the ugly bandana. Twirl the pen as I take my time signing out. 
Shuffle. Shuffle. Closer to the exit.
"I feel bad sending you home" she calls
'yeah' I think 'of course you do.'
maybe next week.

I'm a Snake In the Grass

 So, I read this blog, Mr. London Street. He does this neat thing where he has a prompt and proceeds to write a response to that prompt, but in only 100 words. I like that idea because I believe it forces a person to find the most important information about something and edit out all the unnecessary stuff. So, I think I am going to try it. I like writing, but sometimes my thoughts end up being overdrawn and convoluted. So thanks, Mr. London Street for giving me this idea. I guess it really isn't stealing if I give you the credit. :)

P.S.- If anyone has any prompt ideas let me know :)

This is going to sound like the end of a movie.

Dear You,

You have the great pleasure of being my best friend. ever. Like, in life, in general, in all honesty. You are awesome. Super smart, super sweet. And I know right now you are going through a tough time. Like, your whole life, you have been told what to do- by teachers, friends, and especially your parents. And I know that your family is important to you. But you are at the point in your life where, let's face it, you are old enough to be important to yourself. You are a big girl now and no matter what you decide to do, you should be able to do it. Engineering, while it is a successful and growing feild, doesn't make you happy. I of all people should know. I have seen first hand how thoroughly unhappy it has been making you. I mean, not to the point that it soured our relationship, but you just don't like it. And you should see your face when I talk about art. It lights up. You love my friends, and I know that you are genuinly interested in the way that things in the art program. I think you can tell that I really am happy there. I know that you don't want to do art, but I think it makes you happy because you are secretly picturing what your life would be like if you were that happy in your major. That, I think was the main difference between us last semester. Engineering was tough for you, and you dreaded it. While art was hard and stressful, I still loved what I was doing, so I knew I could do it and I would be ok. You should be doing something that, no matter how hard or stressful it is, you still love it.

That is why I am saying- do it. Screw engineering. Screw what your parents think (because last time I checked they weren't Jean Grey so they can't possibly know better what makes you happy than you). Screw what your engineering friends will say and think. Because honestly? If you don't love what you are doing, in the future you will be so astoundingly unhappy and I wouldn't even wish that on Taylor. I mean, yes engineering pays a lot. a lot. like, a lot. (focus). But when you get out of college and start a career and are living your life and whatevs, the money, I think (hope) really won't be what is most important. To me, the supreme goal in life is to be able to lie in bed at night and smile knowing that when you wake up, you are looking forward to a future of something you enjoy as oppposed to dragging yourself to bed, exhausted, spread too thin, and depressed because you have been caged by a career that you hate. And I know you. And I know that you aren't ruled by money. Sadly, some of your friends are. All they see are the dollar signs. And I mean, whatever floats your boat. But just. do it. You would be awesome as an English major. Like, you are so smart and intellectual (repetition.. sorry). You have been writing stories for years (and not to be self servicing) they are delightful. And funny. And you have a very discerning eye. You have always seen the important things I haven't like the traits in guys that translate into the guy being a douchebag through and through. What I am trying to say is, You would sparkle and thrive as an English major.

And the best part is, I think you would love it. I mean, look at Levi. He had to guts to do something unexpected. To do a major that many people scoff at *cough* Ben *cough*. And you know what? I think Levi will be the happier of the two. Because he knows what he loves and that is what he is living. And you should too. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to finally do something for yourself. You have constantly been my backbone, my right hand, my voice of reason. I selfishly burden you with all my woes and complaints, and you always know what to say to make me think and recenter my efforts and emotions. You are always taking care of others whether it be me or your brothers. You should finally do something just for you. I am giving you permission to be selfish.

I know you are worried about your parents. And I can't properly see where you are coming from. I was blessed enough to have parents that didn't freak the ish out when I decided to be an art major. They could have easily said absolutly not and banished me to the hell of an economics major or something. I know your parents will probably be less than thrilled at the major change, but I say- forget them. Teaching or publishing are very worthwhile professions that any person should be proud of. Your parents have no idea what they got when they got you. You are so amazing and smart and whatever you end up doing in life, I know that deep down you will make them proud.

But, really, you have to do this. If it is bothering you this much, and creating this much of riff in your soul- it is legit. It is something that needs to be addressed and something that, I think, really is a turning point in your life. I mean right now you are at a crossroads. To one side is the big cushy road to the top of an engineering company. A lot of people are taking that road, the road of suck ass jobs that make a lot of money. To the other side, is the small less traveled road (see fate, You love you some Robert Frost). A road that not many take, the road that leads to what they love. Come along my love, join Levi and me on that road. Just speaking for myself, we don't nearly have the courage you do and we are on that road and doing just fine. I know you, and I know that you can do whatever you set your heart on whether it be English or telling your parents what is what. so will you join my on this beautiful road lined with hope and the promise of an exciting and fulfilling future? We have candy.

Love, Laura

P.S.- I really just want you to be happy, and I hope this helped.
P.P.S.- I hated circuits in Physics too.
P.P.P.S.- If we both became teachers, we could teach together. (:o)

Dear Jane*

Dear Jane,
I care about you. I know that sometimes I can be naggy and obnoxious, but it is because I care. Because I know exactly what you have been doing and exactly what kind of person you are becoming- you are not fooling anyone, least of all me. We have been friends for years, but recently our friendship, I feel, has been reduced to a shaky, brittle skeleton of what it used to be. Now, I am not writing this to be poetic and nonsensical, but because I think someone needs to say what they really think about what you are doing.
You are really screwing yourself up right now. I don't know if you think it is super cool or fun to sleep around or that your life will be as glamourous as a soap opera if you only sleep with guys that are in what their girlfriends believe are commited relationships. People say once a cheater always a cheater. But maybe their should be a saying for the person the cheater cheats with. like, once a sexual doormat, always a sexual doormat? Because that is what you are becoming. It is like, to you, it is only worth it if he is taken. Maybe you think this means he just cares so much about you, that nothing can stand in the way of your "love" not even his girlfriend. But what I think it means is that he doesn't see any reason to bother with the diginity and exclusivity that comes with an out and commited relationship. What would be the point of it? If he can just as easily get some for nothing, why bother with hassle that to some, is a one on one romantic relationship. Oh, wait.. wrong word. Romantic. There is nothing romantic about what you have been doing. You have bitten my head off before on that point. Told me that what you do with guys has no basis or attachment in love. You don't get emotionanlly attached, you aren't doing it to be loved. So what word should I use?
Maybe I should try empty? pathetic? desperate? scarring? Because that is what I think all of your relationships with guys are right now. John* may say that he loves you, but he broke up with you. a year ago. Now I know you had a history together, a history that should have clued us all in to what is now the future. You started dating after you and he had been screwing around while, you guessed it, he had a girlfriend. And he broke up with you. and you know what? sure he may have "missed" you. But that didn't stop him from having sex with 7 other girls while you were apart. Well that being said it didn't stop him from having sex with you while you were apart. And now you are still apart, but he has a new girlfriend. That isn't you. And he told you he chose her. And yet, you still are with him. What I am trying to say is, forget him.
You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who isn't going to screw around. Because face it- if he is having sex with you while he has a girlfriend, what is going to stop him from having sex with someone else if you were his girlfriend. nothing. And I know for a fact that the wrath of hell could not match the vindictive bitch fit that would erupt if you two were dating and you found out he was cheating on you. But, as mean as it is to say, maybe that is what you need. To reap what you sow. Because when you sow insecure disrespect you can't expect to reap healthy relationships. That isn't how life works.
I just wish you could see yourself as I see you. Worth so much more than all this. You don't need him. You don't need his double standards or the leash that he is leading you along on. You need a wakeup call, a real heart to heart. I just wish I had the courage to give it to you. I am sorry.

Love, Laura
* Names have been changed to protect the identity of people being addressed in this letter.

Goodbye, boy.

So, this blog has been massively underappreciated and neglected since school let out. Which is a great sadness because I really enjoyed blogging on here, even though it was homework. So I have decided to continue, but have decided to make this not just about school, but more about life in general. So with that in mind, enjoy this not art but still Laura related post that will be in the form of a letter, a letter to a boy that I need say goodbye to.

Dear boy,

I have liked you for a long, long time. For probably as long as I can remember liking boys and not thinking that they were cootie littered animals, I have liked you. I thought you were endearing and nice, even though half the time you treated me less than perfect and 100 percent of the time treated my friends like they had the neumonic plague. I ignored that for a long time, just assuming that if we ever got together, things would just work themselves out. They didn't. My friends gave up the nagging, and just resorted to sympathetic murmerings every time you did something to upset me and I complained. The worst part was, I kept going back to you. Like the ocean on the shore, I would draw away from you just to rush back into you again, over and over and over agian. I would see myself changing, niggling and nudging myself into the person that you wanted to be, even if it were just for a moment, and I hate that. I hate how you would make yourself seem so gentle, spewing out toxin that you presented as poetry and making me believe that if I just did this or that, you would give me a chance. Give me a chance to be with you. With you. As if that was the place every girl was dying to be, in your arms, in your heart. It isn't. No girl could possibly fit in your heart. It is too stuffed to the brim with yourself. You made me feel like trash, do you realize that? Built me up so high just to tear me down with one petty comment that, in your mind, sounded like pickup line, so depreciating it was supposed to get me excited. Despite what you may think, many girls don't think it is sexy when you completely crap all over their self esteem.
You have no idea what did to me. All the years that I chained my heart to you, when I could have easily just cut my losses and found someone who appreciated me for who I was, not for who they thought I could be. I think you knew what you were doing. For an idiot you are pretty smart. You would be just nice enough to me that I would just shake my head and banish the second thoughts to dark recesses of my mind, and then wham! kick the hope right out from under me.
That is why it is time for me to say goodbye. I'm saying goodbye to your baggage and your bullcrap. To your backstabbing and your ego. I'm saying goodbye to the feelings you made me feel, and the things that you made me do. I am saying goodbye to the part of me that you liked- the ugly, fake, and desperate part of me that believed I needed your misguided approval to be happy. We have had a long run, 7 long years of tears, false hopes, false starts, and little jaded pieces of happiness that have long since lost their luster. Despite what you may think, you didn't worm your way into my true heart; I never loved you. I pity the poor soul who you end up with, the girl who falls for your voodoo, your thinly veiled disrespect, and your pathetic understanding of love. I am finally saying goodbye, and giving myself permission to move on. In the end, I guess I should thank you, for showing me the worst of me and how my true self still won and is emerging into maturity. You taught me that what anyone else thinks of me is completely irrelevant, it is what I see beautiful in myself that matters. Goodbye.

Laura