Moving Out

So I know for sure two people in my little blog circle already know that my parents are seperating. For the other maybe, 5 people who didn't know, you know now. My mom decided two months ago that she couldn't live the way she had been living for 23 years any more. So she asked my dad to leave. It has taken 2 months for this to actually happen. Today is the day when he officially no longer lives in my house.

I started this post thinking that I would have some elegant, long winded narrative about my life, my family, and my relationship with my dad. I honestly don't quite know what to say. I feel nothing when I think about what is happening. No emotion, no sadness, no relief. So I can't really write a post full of empty emotion. I felt I should put this out there today, because today is a big day in my life. I'm sure the emotion of this all will hit later (probably at a really horrible and inconveniant time) and then I will write a proper, overlly emotional post. But for now it is just this.

Love,
Laura

Impatience

I have always considered myself a patient person. Letting cars pull out a head of me even when I know, with the deepest convictions, that I have the right of way. Letting people promise that they are going to help me do something that I need help with right.away. and then sitting there watching as they never bother to follow through. Watching as everyone around me is finding love and I am the one patted on the head like a dog and soothed with the empty consolation "you will find someone someday".  I try to always give the benefit of a doubt- to the point of being gracious, not a doormat.

But this last week has been a testament to how impatient I really am. I have been waiting, waiting for what? all of 6 days? to hear back from my school to see if I got into the Fine Arts program.  A program that will put me on track to grad school then hopefully, a career in teaching art at a college level. A program that is prestigious and challenging and completely rewarding. A program that is my dream. I have never wanted an email so badly in my life. The anticipation is coiling tighter and tighter with each passing minute almost to the point of suffocating me. This, this is my future. This is what decides what the heck I am going to be doing with my life, well, at least for the next 3 years. This decision is so important to me now,  that I can feel it, almost as if with the passing time it has gained substance, a shadowy ghost at my shoulder.

I know this is all seeming extremely melodramitic, and maybe it is, but it is what is feeling right at the moment. At this moment I feel completely justified in ranting and raving and feeling completely insane. I'm an artist, isn't that to be expected? and patience be damned.. I want that email and I want it now!

Auden

The More Loving One
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I could go to hell
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread of man or beast

How should we like it if stars were to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn
I cannot, now I see them, say
That I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime
Though this might take me a little time.

Ok so, I loveee me some Auden. He is probably my favorite poet/writer across the board. I always say if my soul was a sound, it would be Kings of Leon. But if my soul were words, they would be Auden's. I respond really well to poetry for some reason. It is inspiring and comforting. Auden's work feels like home. Here are some excerpts from some of his other poems that I absolutely adore:

-He was my North my South my East and West
My working week and my sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
I thought love would last forever; I was wrong-

-I'll love you dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the ocean
And salmon sing in the street.

I'll love you until the ocean
Is folded up and hung to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky-

-"O what was that bird, said the horror to the hearer,
Did you see that shape in the twisted trees?
Behind you swiftly the figure comes softly,
That spot on your skin a shocking disease?"-

Isn't he amazing? Auden inspiration all day every day. What inspires you? Good luck to anyone who reads this that applied to get into the BFA at UD.. hope you got in!

Creating

I have had a lot of projects that I have finished recently. I don't have time now to put them up, because I have an art class to go to, but hopefully tonight all of my followers' blog boxes will be flooded with grade-A Love, Laura blog gems :) Cheers!

Scared

Self portraits. I never knew such a "simple" concept could be so loathsome. I have learned in the last week that I am incapable of drawing a representational picture of my self. But it gets better. Once I draw a representational picture, I have to draw a abstract one. and according to my teacher, I had to draw something I am afraid to draw. When I set to work on the second picture with that in mind I ended up with this:

that is what scares me. to draw something that is weird and that might fail me. It doesn't look like me, but maybe it does. It isn't finished, but I was losing momentum. It honestly, terrifies me. I guess that is the point. It is the first peice of work I am scared to turn it in for a critique. I'm terrified. I'm not used to making myself this vulnerable.. but maybe I need to do it more often? I suppose I will find out soon enough.

It Is Too Early In the Semester For This...

... I am already frustrated. And I have had one class. Math. And I am frustrated about Art. More specifically, Drawing. One 15 minute lecture from Brin, and my mind is in knots. The project is simple enough- draw a still life of things that compliment, have the same function, or complete eachother. Awesome.. so like what? peanut butter and jelly? Nuts and bolts? pepper and salt? All seem so lame. Wherein lies my problem. Last semester I was happily living, not in the friend zone, but in the middle of the pack. Like, I was that fish that swims in the middle so that when the sharks circle, they are the least likely to be eaten alive. While that is safe- it is also super lamespice and comfortable. This semester I really want to break out and actually do great stuff not hokey cheesy stuff like drawing a still life of nails and a hammer because like, duh?! they complete eachother <3. No. No. NO. But I honestly am stuck. All I can think about are the lame, stupid, obnoxious matchy matchy complimentary objects that end up being the victims of gooey relationship metaphors (you are the star to my burst, the peanut butter to my jelly, ect.) It is like, I can see the wall in my head. It is almost tangiable, the artists block that is developing. Which sucks, seeing as I haven't even had an art class yet. I want to do something deeper, create something that is legitimately great work.. not something that is passed over and shoved in the middle, the place where the mediocre go to die. I don't know what to do. I hate it.

Random Desire

I am experiencing this odd desire to go to an abandoned carnival or boardwalk and take pictures of all the lonely attractions. Like the Ferris wheel, the carousel, and the like. It  would probably turn out even cooler now with all the snow.. hmm