It Is Too Early In the Semester For This...

... I am already frustrated. And I have had one class. Math. And I am frustrated about Art. More specifically, Drawing. One 15 minute lecture from Brin, and my mind is in knots. The project is simple enough- draw a still life of things that compliment, have the same function, or complete eachother. Awesome.. so like what? peanut butter and jelly? Nuts and bolts? pepper and salt? All seem so lame. Wherein lies my problem. Last semester I was happily living, not in the friend zone, but in the middle of the pack. Like, I was that fish that swims in the middle so that when the sharks circle, they are the least likely to be eaten alive. While that is safe- it is also super lamespice and comfortable. This semester I really want to break out and actually do great stuff not hokey cheesy stuff like drawing a still life of nails and a hammer because like, duh?! they complete eachother <3. No. No. NO. But I honestly am stuck. All I can think about are the lame, stupid, obnoxious matchy matchy complimentary objects that end up being the victims of gooey relationship metaphors (you are the star to my burst, the peanut butter to my jelly, ect.) It is like, I can see the wall in my head. It is almost tangiable, the artists block that is developing. Which sucks, seeing as I haven't even had an art class yet. I want to do something deeper, create something that is legitimately great work.. not something that is passed over and shoved in the middle, the place where the mediocre go to die. I don't know what to do. I hate it.

Random Desire

I am experiencing this odd desire to go to an abandoned carnival or boardwalk and take pictures of all the lonely attractions. Like the Ferris wheel, the carousel, and the like. It  would probably turn out even cooler now with all the snow.. hmm

Glitter*

"So, let me get this straight. He glitters?"
"Yes," a frustrated sigh, "It is the diamonds."
"The diamonds?" Incredulous. I'm losing her fast.
"Yes. The diamonds that are imbedded in his skin."
"So the sun make him glitter. Because of diamonds?"
"Yes." Finally. She understands.
"So is he gay?"
I spoke too soon.
"No. He has a girlfriend. She is his heroin."
"But you just said he sparkles. And he obviously shaves his chest hair. And from the looks of it he highlights his hair."
"So?"
"He is a flamer."
I stare at her. Calculate. Consider.
"Maybe you are right."

 *for Tina

Past the Point of No Return

"This is the choice. This is the point of no return."
The time will come, maybe soon. The time when I have to choose. Choose whom I love.
There will be no turning back. No unfaithful doubt. It just might not be you.
"I fought so hard to free you."
I wanted so badly to be in your life. To be your life. To give you life. To free you.
"Pity comes too late. Turn around and face your fate."
But once I leave, there will be no looking back. Then what good will your longing do?
Face your fate.

Sent Home Early. Again.

Clear, sharp, hesitant.

“Laura?”

Crap.

“Yeah?”

“We aren’t that busy. You can just go ahead and-“

‘-Sign out.’

I finish the sentence with her in my head.

I shuffle around digging my heels in the linoleum dragging out my exit a few more minutes so maybe, maybe I can at least have one hour of work on the records.

Get my coat. Take off the ugly bandana. Twirl the pen as I take my time signing out. 
Shuffle. Shuffle. Closer to the exit.
"I feel bad sending you home" she calls
'yeah' I think 'of course you do.'
maybe next week.

I'm a Snake In the Grass

 So, I read this blog, Mr. London Street. He does this neat thing where he has a prompt and proceeds to write a response to that prompt, but in only 100 words. I like that idea because I believe it forces a person to find the most important information about something and edit out all the unnecessary stuff. So, I think I am going to try it. I like writing, but sometimes my thoughts end up being overdrawn and convoluted. So thanks, Mr. London Street for giving me this idea. I guess it really isn't stealing if I give you the credit. :)

P.S.- If anyone has any prompt ideas let me know :)

This is going to sound like the end of a movie.

Dear You,

You have the great pleasure of being my best friend. ever. Like, in life, in general, in all honesty. You are awesome. Super smart, super sweet. And I know right now you are going through a tough time. Like, your whole life, you have been told what to do- by teachers, friends, and especially your parents. And I know that your family is important to you. But you are at the point in your life where, let's face it, you are old enough to be important to yourself. You are a big girl now and no matter what you decide to do, you should be able to do it. Engineering, while it is a successful and growing feild, doesn't make you happy. I of all people should know. I have seen first hand how thoroughly unhappy it has been making you. I mean, not to the point that it soured our relationship, but you just don't like it. And you should see your face when I talk about art. It lights up. You love my friends, and I know that you are genuinly interested in the way that things in the art program. I think you can tell that I really am happy there. I know that you don't want to do art, but I think it makes you happy because you are secretly picturing what your life would be like if you were that happy in your major. That, I think was the main difference between us last semester. Engineering was tough for you, and you dreaded it. While art was hard and stressful, I still loved what I was doing, so I knew I could do it and I would be ok. You should be doing something that, no matter how hard or stressful it is, you still love it.

That is why I am saying- do it. Screw engineering. Screw what your parents think (because last time I checked they weren't Jean Grey so they can't possibly know better what makes you happy than you). Screw what your engineering friends will say and think. Because honestly? If you don't love what you are doing, in the future you will be so astoundingly unhappy and I wouldn't even wish that on Taylor. I mean, yes engineering pays a lot. a lot. like, a lot. (focus). But when you get out of college and start a career and are living your life and whatevs, the money, I think (hope) really won't be what is most important. To me, the supreme goal in life is to be able to lie in bed at night and smile knowing that when you wake up, you are looking forward to a future of something you enjoy as oppposed to dragging yourself to bed, exhausted, spread too thin, and depressed because you have been caged by a career that you hate. And I know you. And I know that you aren't ruled by money. Sadly, some of your friends are. All they see are the dollar signs. And I mean, whatever floats your boat. But just. do it. You would be awesome as an English major. Like, you are so smart and intellectual (repetition.. sorry). You have been writing stories for years (and not to be self servicing) they are delightful. And funny. And you have a very discerning eye. You have always seen the important things I haven't like the traits in guys that translate into the guy being a douchebag through and through. What I am trying to say is, You would sparkle and thrive as an English major.

And the best part is, I think you would love it. I mean, look at Levi. He had to guts to do something unexpected. To do a major that many people scoff at *cough* Ben *cough*. And you know what? I think Levi will be the happier of the two. Because he knows what he loves and that is what he is living. And you should too. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to finally do something for yourself. You have constantly been my backbone, my right hand, my voice of reason. I selfishly burden you with all my woes and complaints, and you always know what to say to make me think and recenter my efforts and emotions. You are always taking care of others whether it be me or your brothers. You should finally do something just for you. I am giving you permission to be selfish.

I know you are worried about your parents. And I can't properly see where you are coming from. I was blessed enough to have parents that didn't freak the ish out when I decided to be an art major. They could have easily said absolutly not and banished me to the hell of an economics major or something. I know your parents will probably be less than thrilled at the major change, but I say- forget them. Teaching or publishing are very worthwhile professions that any person should be proud of. Your parents have no idea what they got when they got you. You are so amazing and smart and whatever you end up doing in life, I know that deep down you will make them proud.

But, really, you have to do this. If it is bothering you this much, and creating this much of riff in your soul- it is legit. It is something that needs to be addressed and something that, I think, really is a turning point in your life. I mean right now you are at a crossroads. To one side is the big cushy road to the top of an engineering company. A lot of people are taking that road, the road of suck ass jobs that make a lot of money. To the other side, is the small less traveled road (see fate, You love you some Robert Frost). A road that not many take, the road that leads to what they love. Come along my love, join Levi and me on that road. Just speaking for myself, we don't nearly have the courage you do and we are on that road and doing just fine. I know you, and I know that you can do whatever you set your heart on whether it be English or telling your parents what is what. so will you join my on this beautiful road lined with hope and the promise of an exciting and fulfilling future? We have candy.

Love, Laura

P.S.- I really just want you to be happy, and I hope this helped.
P.P.S.- I hated circuits in Physics too.
P.P.P.S.- If we both became teachers, we could teach together. (:o)